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Jumbled. Puzzled. Insane

Okay. So I am just sitting there being me, my useless self and suddenly the realization dawns on me. And now I have to rant because that’s the only way I get back to normal.
I am going to turn freaking 23 in one month. I can’t… I just can’t believe it.

“Do you understand what that means?” I ask myself, half hoping that two versions of me(one good, one bad)  would appear and start arguing like they always show in the movies. It doesn’t happen. Or maybe it does.
But how am I supposed to know which one is the devil version and which one is the angel version?

*Sigh*

Okay, let’s just call one the grown-up me, and the other the silly me?
So this is how it goes…
Grown Up me: Do you understand what that means?

Silly Me: Yes

Grown-Up Me:  It means you are gonna have to be serious now. Stop waiting for your Hogwarts letter. Face the reality

Silly Me: I could still wait for the doctor, though!

Grown-Up Me: Arghhh! Could you just grow up a bit?

Silly me: You know the Doctor once said, “What’s the point in being grown up if you can’t be childish …”

Grown-Up me: Argh… Just stop it. You are impossible.

 

This is something I wrote when I was about to turn 23. Not that long ago. I didn’t finish it of course. It was too overwhelming for me to even write. I guess it was kind of a realization for me that I have to grow up now. I have to get serious. And there was no way in hell that I was prepared for that.

And here we are, a year and a half later and I am still not ready.

I just don’t get it. Why am I supposed to behave like a grown up all of a sudden? I mean who made all these rules?

Why is it that I have to be so uptight and in control all the time? I have been like that my entire life. I had just started to learn to lose it, to let it all go.

Is it my fault that I never made those mistakes at 18? Cos I am not even allowed to make them anymore.
And it doesn’t seem fair. Cos I was there a few years back when others did the same. I was just there, without any prejudice or blame.

*SIGH*

I had always felt disconnected from the outside world. Especially when I was surrounded with a lot of people. It felt as if my astral form had projected itself outside of my body and I was merely observing everything. Even the things that I was doing or saying . Heck, I am still the same.

I was just trying to be more involved, you know. To let it all go.

But now, I feel like a perfect picture that was torn into pieces and thrown everywhere. That picture has become a jigsaw puzzle, and everyone’s just trying to put it together.

Have I really strayed that far from who I was?

But it’s okay.  It just made me realize that I don’t need to do these things.
I just need to be myself. I just have to stay close to my roots. My writing and my books. I will be alright.

And you know what, there is no better feeling in the world than that.

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2 thoughts on “Jumbled. Puzzled. Insane Leave a comment

  1. No one ever truly grows up- it’s a myth. Growing up as concept of having to suddenly become a totally different person is more of a societal stigma than anything else. No one has their shit together. Everyone has weird hobbies and passions. And everyone runs to “an adult” when scared.

    No worries, you can be 40 and still make mistakes. Experimentation is a way towards happiness. Don’t let expectations let you down.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words .
      It’s a little different where I come from, but I get what you mean 🙂
      People are supposed to keep growing throughout their lives. That’s what life is all about, after all.

      Liked by 1 person

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